It’s not that I don’t want to have sex–because I really do. It’s just the person I’m married to does not.
I am certain he loves me–he just doesn’t love to make love. No, it hasn’t always been this way. When we started dating, we would have sex a few times a week. Things changed when we got engaged. I know I sound like a guy when I say this, but things changed when he put a ring on my finger. We started making love less and less. I thought it was because the stress of the impending wedding and we had just purchased our first home–it seems like I became good at finding excuses why he didn’t want me sexually.
He never wanted to talk about it. He would roll over and go to sleep. He would say that I was “too horny,” and my sex drive was unnatural. The most affection I would receive would be a hug before bed and a peck on the lips. He even joked once that he would be fine if I slept with someone else if that would mean I left him alone. (Of course, I didn’t do that.)
We would make love once every few months those first years of marriage. A few years later, I became pregnant with our first child. I can tell you the day I got pregnant and under what circumstances, that’s how infrequent our sex life was. I can actually pinpoint the date and time. Like many couples, sex becomes an afterthought after the birth of a baby. Combine that with our lack of sleep and there was no way my sexual needs were going to be met. Yes, I was exhausted with a newborn, but I still longed for my husband.
A few years later, our second child arrived (once again I could pinpoint the exact day I got pregnant). Of course, things didn’t improve. The only time I could hope to get some satisfaction would be those 30-45 minutes after he fell asleep. He would half-way wake up and have his way with me. Then he would roll over and go to sleep. He said he never remembered anything the next day. I did some research and found out that in some men, their libido is highest during that period of sleep. Even so, you can imagine what that does to a woman’s self-esteem. Her husband only has sex with her when he’s sleeping. I concluded that I would take it however I could get it.
A friend once asked me if I thought he was having an affair. I have to say I am certain he isn’t. He’s a great father and wonderful provider. He’s just not sexual. AT ALL. And yes–I’ve tried lingerie, alcohol, foreplay. You name it, I’ve tried everything. I am sure there are therapists that could help us, but he will not seek counseling for this. To him, it is not a big deal at all. So I have just come to the conclusion that one cannot simply have everything their heart desires. I crave a certain intimacy that I have concluded I will never have with him. I long for the connection that most married couples have. The fact is, he defines intimacy as cuddling, hugging, and honesty. I define it on a much more physical level.
Why am I sharing these intimate details of my marriage with the world? Because there must be women who are in the same situation as me. To those wives longing for a sexual relationship with your husband, you are not alone.
You are not alone. I have taken my husband to more doctors then I can count on my two hands. The doctors discovered that he has a very low libido and absolutely no testosterone. The medication they give him the insurance won’t cover and we can’t afford it so we know how to fix it but we can’t afford to fix it. He once to me to the doctors office and told the doctor that I have a problem Doctor says she’s fine its you who has the problem. So as of now I have kinda given up on that hope that we will ever be intimate.
I agree, for the longest time my husband thought I had a problem as well. This is his “normal” but it is anything but!
904 480 6113 I can help
Same problem here. My husband was successfully treated with androgel and between our insurance and the manufacturer coupon, it was $10 a month. Then our insurance excluded it this year so he was changed to the patch and it’s costing a lot more than $10 a month and not working as well. He’s on the low end of the range but used to be in the middle. We both can tell the difference! His dr isn’t too happy with that number, my husband isn’t happy with the patches so we’re going to try the shots. The dr says it’s the cheapest of them all anyway. Also, I haven’t tried to go through this channel but see if this can help. http://www.abbviepaf.org/eligibility.cfm# Believe me when I say that getting his testosterone levels to the acceptable range is worth the money, as long as it’s not going to break the bank! My husband has been in decline since in his 30s and wishes he’d done this sooner!
I was in a similar situation throughout my marriage. I kept wondering what was wrong me? My husband was so thoughtful, caring and romantic except in the bedroom. Sadly in year 9 of marriage I found out it wasn’t me after all. He had been having affairs with men to satisfy his sexual desires. I was devastated! I guess it explained a lot but it took a long time to come to grips with the situation. We are still friends today as we raise our daughter but did divorce. And I am not saying this is the case with every man that doesn’t have a desire for sex with his wife. It took me a long time to get over the pain and loss.
Susan, my heart hurts for you.
My wife did exactly the same thing. I was initially attracted to her because she was all over me. We had lots of kinky sex before marriage. (I now regret not waiting for marriage.) I think it was at the engagement that began to cool things off. Now she almost never even touches me anymore and sleeps in a separate bed. Although the process took longer than your husband’s, it nonetheless has occurred.
No, you are not alone. But more than just sharing one another’s misery, we can also have hope. You see, I know the Creator and King of my wife. Her sovereign Creator can in a moment (if He chooses) flip the switch of my wife’s libido back to where I once enjoyed it.
That He has not done so already tells me He has bigger and better plans right than my immediate sexual gratification and the physical touch intimacy. In the mean time, I will wait upon His deliverance.
One probable root cause of the division in intimacy of our marriage is there has been a breakdown in trust. It’s such that we can’t even really have the conversation about the lack of sex without, I fear, a huge battle from her. That breakdown in trust has not entirely been my fault; she was damaged goods before she met me, from the mistreatment and abuse of others. Oh, some of it was my fault, but not all. I did a few foolish things, for which I am sorry and have asked forgiveness. Yet even though it’s not all my fault, it is now my responsibility. I must do all that I can to heal that trust, and leave the results in the hands of the Savior.
I’ve found immeasurable help in the Scriptures for how to truly love my wife. Books by the Tripp brothers and Dave Harvey and Stuart Scott (Google them) have been immensely helpful in drawing out of the Scriptures the resources I’ve needed to be patient and understanding with my wife. I cannot commend them enough. I’ve also discovered the Gottman method and will soon be applying that toward marriage. Where that takes us, we’ll see.
I have also been given relief through masturbation. God does not forbid this practice in the Bible, as long as your mind is kept from having sex with other people. Jesus said it is equal to actual adultery to lust after others in your mind, but there is no adultery when you’re pondering the wonderful sex you and your wife have righteously enjoyed. So, no porn. No thoughts of that bikini babe you saw at the pool. No hunky Brazilian helicopter pilots. It is a good thing to remember the good times in bed we once enjoyed, and the sexual release on thinking about those good times helps keep me from craving sex from others once I go out into a world of women who are barely covered and displayed on roadside billboards. I’ve been able to by grace not think of other people when masturbating and it’s helped me keep a clear conscience about the practice, knowing I’m attempting to protect our marriage in the long run. It’s been fruitful.
And I don’t forsake real sex for that. That can be the other danger of masturbation; you can become so attached to personal gratification that you ignore the other. No, the real thing is twenty times better and I’ll take it any day 🙂
But masturbation alone isn’t the key. It’s just a piece of a crutch. (It’s not even a full crutch.) It’s not everything that is needed to tough out this battle. I think the biggest help has been knowing that a better reward is coming. One day all of the wrongs will be made right, including a wife who has forsaken her marital obligations. Spending time in fellowship and worship of the Savior in the new heavens and the new earth will be an eternally rising crescendo of overflowing joy such that you can hardly stand it. When I spend time with my Dad in the new earth, I’ll be filled with joy to capacity over and over and over and over and over and over and over… it’ll make sex here seem like a yawn.
So. If this is how I must finish up the rest of our marriage, it’s not terrible. It’s not the end of the world for me. I can muddle through the rest of my time here without her touch. I have a great Savior, who is richly satisfying to me and knowing Him helps me not to crave her touch as much; He is a better treasure than personal touch. She does other things for our family, and I have no reason to believe she’s committing adultery. Thinking about the good she does helps me. I know that the trust has been broken, and I also know her hormones aren’t what they used to be, and I know she sometimes gets uncomfortable with touching and wants her space. Knowing all of these things, I don’t complain, I just pray to my good Father about the situation, do what I can, and wait for the strength and perseverance and deliverance and gentleness and patience that only God can give. It’s all part of doing as God said to “live with your wives in an understanding way”. (1Pet 3:7 ESV)
So spending time with the deeply satisfying Savior, and trusting Him in this lonely situation, and knowing what He has in store for me in the new earth, and meditating on the other good things she does, and living in an understanding way with her, and masturbating for sexual release, have all helped me not to grow bitter about when she ignores me in bed, or do something foolish like run after another woman.
Wives, pray for and help your sexless husbands. Husbands, pray for and love your sexless wives, and lay your lives down for them. If there is a lack of the necessary currency of trust that you need to build this relationship back where it should be, start at the resources I’ve named above to attempt to rebuild it. And if you are the sexless partner, repent. Serve your partner with some of the best sex they’ve ever enjoyed, even if you don’t feel like it.
And all of you, Google the Good Person test. If you’ve not done something like that, that is step one to getting it all right.
Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ~God, 1Cor 7:1-5 ESV
OMG is this even for real?! I love referring to your wife as “damaged goods” and the simultaneous talk about the Savior and masturbation.
Not sure how that’s unclear? A.) As I stated, she was abused before I met her; if you don’t like the term please forget it. B.) I carefully and methodically explained how masturbation, within boundaries, can be useful to prevent worse things from occurring. It’s not ideal, but it’s better than chasing other women by far.
If you’re not willing to read carefully, I guess we won’t be having any kind of meaningful conversation. Hopefully my comments will help someone who is willing to listen.
Good day, God bless!
What the fuck did I just read?
Please go back and read it again, this time more slowly.
And if you’re not willing to read carefully, we won’t be having a meaningful conversation. Hopefully my comments will help someone else who is willing and eager to listen.
Good day, God bless!
Isn’t it sad when you become vulnerable, and open up, and carefully and methodically and honestly share what’s actually helping you in the midst of a hurting and painful marriage, in the hopes of giving others hope, that you get slammed for it. Likely by people who would consider themselves “tolerant.”
This is not the only example; I’m seeing this kind of behavior everywhere, which is not good for the future of our nation. If you are a Christian, now is the time to pray for revival.
I’m checking out of this blog. Too much negativity. Good day, God bless!
I am so sorry everyone attacked you. I think you are trying to live biblically but have found yourself in an unbiblical situation. I used to blame myself and tried to find ways to remedy the situation. I thought it was something I had done wrong until a friend pointed out to me that my husband was living unbiblically by not having sex with me. As husband and wife, we must give ourselves to each other. So for others to find verses to accuse you of doing wrong by masturbating seems wrong to me. At least you are trying! It’s not fair. The situation just isn’t fair. I waited until marriage to have sex. I was a virgin, which according to all that I had been taught, should make my marriage life either better. But it’s not. And being a Christian, I think the struggle is so much greater because you want to live biblically, but it is really hard to when your partner isn’t holding up their end of the bargain. Sorry for the insensitive people on here. Kudos to you for opening up.
I’m truly sorry for the disconnect in your marriage. In charity, I want to address a few of your points: First, it is true that many women act out sexually after being abused. It is the building up of trust and love through non-intimacy related shows of affection and charity, along sometimes with therapy, and self abegbation, which will help your relationship improve.
Second, the son of masturbation actually is discussed in the Bible. It is considered the sin of Onan (in Genesis, Onan is put to death by God for spilling his seed on the ground, as it was “wicked in the Lord’s sight.”). I understand your desire to defend your actions, but in this case, these actions are wrong. Masturbation can never be considered a good, as it is merely a means to an end and an inherently selfish act. Consider offering up your lust and sexual needs for the sake of your wife’s soul while working daily to repair your physical relationship. I’ll say a prayer for y’all.
This is what I am going through at the minute in my marriage. It’s pretty crushing to see your husband have little or no desire for you. It definitely is taking a toal on me emotionally and on my confidence. I’m still in my 20’s so looking long term this is difficult. But as the author said we can’t have it all. This is what I am thinking at the minute too.
It’s taken me over 10 years of marriage to come to the conclusion that I cannot have it all. It doesn’t make it that much easier, but it keeps me from dwelling on what I do not have. The blow to my confidence was the worst. I feel as though I overcompensate everywhere else in my life because of this. Hang in there.
I went through this with my husband and it was low teatoterone. If he has a t range between 200 and 1200, that is considered normal and insurance won’t cover it. However, they will cover blood work. His doctor ran an extensive tests on his thyroid and discovered he had an underactive thyroid which was causing low t. He started treatment for both. It didn’t change over night but we are happy now.
Your husband may just be asexual, which is totally normal. I would look in to that and have an honest and open conversation with your husband about the possibility.
Im in the same situation. He doesn’t really put much effort in fixing the testosterone problem or if he does it doesn’t last. 8 years of this. Everything else is wonderful…but no sex. I wish someone had answers because divorce seems to be worse. 3 young girls that have a wonderful father. I am depressed I will not feel intimacy again. Sad times indeed.
Wow I am so torn on this. While I do NOT think its good to give up on a marriage. I do think for people who have commented that are so young in their 20’s and maybe don’t have kids or even if they do, it is an awful long life to live in a love less marriage with no passion. I would think it would get very depressioning. At my age late 40’s and position the path has been set, but if you have a chance at happiness. I think you gotta try and take it, but it is so hard when you are dealing with kids and parenting etc…
Can not type *depressing*
My husband was like this. We married when I was 26, him 32. Fast forward 11 years later, and he has been diagnosed with an early onset dementia. He is terminal. I never would have linked low to no sex drive with dementia, but here we are! I’m going to be a widow by age 40. Who knew?
What type on dementia is going to take his life so rapidly? I have never heard such a thing. My mom has early onset and she is still alive although in need of constant care it did not kill her body. Please share if you are comfortable.
Thank you so much for sharing this. My husband is the same. We’re coming up on 5 years of marriage, averaging sex about twice a year. My husband works all the time too, which makes me miss him even more. I tried counseling, but he won’t go. I feel so sad, undesirable, cheated and desperate. I feel like our marriage is a sham. I truly appreciate your honesty. This burden is so very sad, difficult, and lonely. I’m sorry you’re going through it too but find comfort in knowing I’m not as alone as I feel. I really needed to read this today. Thanks.