Dear Husbands,
It’s not much of a surprise that relationships between married women and their mothers-in-law can be… well, complicated. And perhaps the holiday that encompasses that the most is Mother’s Day. And guys, we know: You’re really, really caught in the middle. Your mother expects you to do something for her. Your wife wants to feel special, too. And you probably just want to make everyone happy. But here’s something, from all of us wives out there, that you really, really need to know: Guys, Mother’s Day is not about your mom. Not anymore, anyway.
We get it, you spent your entire life doing something special for her on Mother’s Day. You love her. You’re grateful for the sacrifices she made for you. These are all good things. But now you’re married, and your wife has given you children of your own. That means your focus, your priority, needs to shift from your mother, to the mother of your children. She takes precedence now. (Sorry, mothers-in-law.)
Right now, your wife is in the trenches. She’s going through the most difficult part of motherhood. She’s dealing with tons of stress and frustration every single day, whether it be crying babies and dirty diapers, toddler temper tantrums and potty training, or insane loads of homework, bullies, and adolescence. Being a mom means being selfless, pretty much every moment of every day. She’s always worrying about someone else, fixing everyone else’s problems, and rarely takes time for herself. Guys, your mom did all of this, too — but those days, for her, are over. So on Mother’s Day, you need to make the day special for your wife first and foremost.
Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean forget your mom altogether. By all means, send your mom flowers. Get her a lovely gift. But ask your wife what she wants to do on Mother’s Day first, and if the answer is not “go to my mother-in-law’s house,” then don’t drag everyone to go see your mother. After all, it’s not Grandparent’s Day (and yes, that’s a real day, guys). There are other days you can devote to showering your mom with attention and gifts and pampering. On Mother’s Day, you need to focus on the woman who is currently in the throes of motherhood.
Let’s say that you really want to spend time with your mom on Mother’s Day — well, have no fear, because there are still ways to make this a win-win situation. There are a couple of options here: First, you can see your mom the Saturday before Mother’s Day. The second, and likely better, option? Pack up your kids, and take them to your mom’s house… without your wife. Plan a special day for her that she can have all to herself — a nice brunch, a mini shopping spree, the chance to see that movie she’s been wanting to see, a day at a spa, or heck, even just the ability to enjoy her empty house where she can read and nap without getting interrupted a million times by tiny people who always need something. Moms rarely get time alone, and this can give her the opportunity to get a much-needed break for rest and relaxation, while you still get to spend time with your mom.
Of course, there might be the chance that your wife says she wants to spend the day together, as a family — no mother-in-law’s house. And in that case, then sorry, guys, but you’re going to have to cut the apron strings and put your wife first. She should be the main woman in your life now. You should be treating her like that every day, but especially on Mother’s Day.
One last note: Us moms, we’re not saying you shouldn’t do anything for your mom on Mother’s Day. Again, get a gift for her! Do something special for her. But just remember who the main mom in your life is now. And for the love of all that is holy, do not make your wife responsible for your mom’s Mother’s Day. Your wife should not be worrying about making sure your mom has a fantastic Mother’s Day while her special day is all but forgotten. Your wife doesn’t need to be picking out your mom’s gift or planning a visit to her house or arranging a Mother’s Day brunch for your mother. You need to take on the responsibility of doing something nice for your mom, but especially something nice for your wife. It’s a lot, we know. But trust us, feeling special and loved and valued, and being put first for one day out of the year… it goes a long way for us moms, especially as we’re battling the everyday stresses of motherhood. We’re not saying not to remember your mom; we’re just saying, don’t forget us, either. Because, sorry guys, but a day dedicated to making your mom feel honored doesn’t make us feel that great. So for today, put us first.
Love,
Wives and Moms Everywhere
Articles like these should be forwarded to unmarried men as a warning, and to married men as open warfare. Tyrannical, egotistical, controlling, undignified, manipulative, come to mind. Mind you, I can’t see the point of father’s day either and require no recognition.
Monster-in-laws ahoy. ??
As spouse’s, we get wedding anniversaries, birthdays, date nights, all kinds of special occasions. So my husband cant have ONE single day to really honor his mother? Send a card…a gift…flowers… Why? Why not just go to spend a few hours with her. It would mean much more. Women are constantly saying of thier husbands, in not his mother, he can do it himself etc. But on mothers day expect to be honored as such. How selfish. Also, to constantly carry on about the tough hard times of motherhood, its getting old. Stop complaining. Be thankful. To say that we sacrifice as mothers, infers we have something more important to do.
Its a day about mothers! Making your husband choose between his mom and you is not fair, and so selfish! let him celebrate both! YOU as a wife have to understand the sacrifices his mother made for him just like you want your kids and husband to celebrate you for your sacrifices you have made for them! People need to stop being so dang selfish! the #1 sacrifice she gave your husband is life and without that YOU wouldn’t have him as your husband.
So, my husband asked me what I wanted to do on Mother’s Day. I told him I wanted to stay home and have breakfast/brunch with him, the kids AND his mother and spend relaxed quality time together. (Just so you know, I have a serious digestive issue that my son also suffers from so avoiding long waits in line and eating at home is the most pleasant and comfortable for both of us)He said, great, that he’d tell her (his mother) and our kids that’s what we’re going to do. The day came, my husband went to pick up breakfast items from the store and to pick up his mom and bring her to our house but he soon called me and timidly asked, “Do you want to go to a buffet?” I said, “No. I want to do what we planned”. He said, ok and hung up. He called back a few minute later and said they were in front of a restaurant that didn’t have any lines. I was annoyed at this point, but also questioning whether my negative feelings over the sudden change in plans were just selfish, so I decided to go along and said, “Well, I won’t be ready to go anywhere for about a half an hour”, to which he said, “There’s no wait here so I can bring you back eggs benedict then, if you want”. I said, well, actually yelled, “No, I don’t want anything, I guess I’ll just wait for my older kids to get here (I still have a 14 year old at home) and spend time alone with them then.” So, that’s what I did – with no husband, no mil, and no breakfast/brunch. So, you tell me, who made my husband choose between his wife and mother and who being selfish and self-serving???
I have four young son’s when they get married I will have them read this article. My expectations from my grown up son’s for mother’s day will be the same that my expectations are no for my young children. All I expect is plain and simple tell me that they love me. If it’s just a short phone call that is all that is necessary. Then I hope that my adult son’s will go and give their wives a day off of diaper changing, and cooking. My husband’s mother on the other hand expects a dinner. It creates a lot of stress every mother’s day. Not only is my husband trying to make it special for me, he’s going crazy trying to keep his mother happy too. Last mother’s day my mother in law asked him to smoke two different types of meat to bring to the mother’s day dinner. She basically assigns all of her son’s her favorite foods to bring to her. Then we have dinner with her. It’s nice for her, she loves the attention, but I’m really low key and am more of a quiet introverted person. I’d prefer to relax at home. But it’s always spent cooking for his mom all day, and then spending the whole afternoon and evening with his enormous family which overwhelms me, and makes me exhausted. I actually hate mother’s day and I don’t look forward to it at all. I won’t change this family tradition, but I can learn from it, and lower my own expectations for my son’s when they get married. I think next year I’ll pretend I have a headache and stay home and read.
I don’t mind sharing with with my mom or mother-in-law, but I feel like I walk away exhausted after planning things for everyone but myself.
I taught my sons that their wives come first….but not only. Why not have brunch with his Mom and the rest of the day just their family ? See your Mom. Take care of your wife and make sure she has a special day. But remember if you don’t show your children that his mother counts too, one day you will be a mother-in-law wondering why your sons have left you out. Gifts and flowers are meaningless. Time together is everything.
Right.
What about if your son and his daughter-in-law celebrate the day with her mother, taking her out for a nice meal but do nothing for his mother apart from a text message, is this acceptable. Should the mother of the son not be hurt or resentful?
This was wonderfully written from a new mom/daughter in law perspective. I see many other comments about mothers of grown children or men commenting and this article embodies every feeling a young new mother deals with. Every family dynamic is different but let’s not forget the moms out there that get forgotten about because they are always doing what their mother in law and mother want for Mother’s Day. Thank you for writing this wonderful piece!!!!! I am sending this to my husband ?
The goal of this article was to remind husbands to honor their wives on mothers day after they’ve become mothers. What’s wrong with that? A lot of men need that reminder because it hurts women’s feelings to not be acknowledged when they’re going through the struggles of motherhood. It’s not one or the other on mothers day you can give both your wife and mother a gift…like the article says. Maybe family get togethers work for some families, but mothers with small children feel exhausted and might not want to spend the day try to please everyone else while chasing after children. As a new mother myself I feel overwhelmed planning the day out between my MIL, mother, and stepmother. I have three great women in my life I love but once babies come into the picture it’s hard to cover all your bases. Everyone’s financial and family situation is unique. There is no golden standard to gifts on this day. It’s the thought that counts not the time spent or the price tag. Flowers and a card are a beautiful gift, you guys sound greedy saying that’s not enough!!! A phone call is a good gift from a son that has fallen on hard times and is struggling to pay his rent or mortgage. Some people make the holiday about material goods instead of love and that’s a shame. Y’all lost sight of what’s important.